Greg’s mother: You boys are five minutes early. Did you have a good time?
Greg: A great time.
Greg’s mother: That's so sweet.
Mr. Cowen: I just can't get over how well your boys get along.
Greg’s father: Well, Larry, we run a pretty tight ship around here, so...about boundaries, rules, anyway. Let me show you some of those civil war act photos last time you talked about.
Greg’s mother: So what did you boys do?
Rodrick: Just hanging out at the mall. And talked about life. Just nothing special.
Greg’s mother: Oh, my God.
Greg’s father: Rodrick, can you explain what you are doing in this photo?
Rodrick: That's not me.
Greg’s father: That's not you?
Greg’s father: Ok. How about these? I can't believe that you had a party!
Greg’s mother: Greg, you told me it was a couple of kids. A band rehearsal.
Greg’s father: Wait, Susan, you knew about this?
Greg’s mother: Yes. Yes. I knew.
Rodrick: What! You told Mom?
Greg’s father: You knew they had a party.
Greg: It's slipped out, but I took it back.
Greg’s mother: My instinct told me you weren't being honest, but...I should trust my instinct.
Greg’s father: You knew about this, but you did not tell me about it?
Greg: I still protected you. I threw Mom off your scent.
Rodrick: Great job, she has no idea.
Greg’s father: We are supposed to be a team against them.
Greg’s mother: They are getting along so well and that blinds me to the trust.
Rodrick: Why were you taking pictures?
Greg: It's so busy that morning that I forgot we took the pictures.
Greg’s mother: I'm sorry I let it slide and I'm so sorry. Oh, my God. I feel so good to get that out. I even haven't been able to lock that bathroom door for two weeks.
Greg’s father: I knew that door had a lock on it! Everybody was trying to make me feel like I was losing my mind!
Mr. Cowen: We will just let ourselves out. I wouldn't write a column about this.
Greg’s father: I'm going upstairs...to a bathroom that has a lock on it. And no one can tell me that it doesn't.
Greg’s mother: I have to go...talk to your father. I will deal with you boys later.
Greg: Rodrick, I really didn't tell her. I mean maybe sort of. But I made a deal with her and we really had a good time.
Rodrick: You're my brother...should never be my friend.
Greg’s mother: Your father and I have talked and we have decided on your punishment.
Greg’s father: Greg, you are grounded for two weeks, also no video games for two weeks.
Greg’s mother: Rodrick, you may only drive to and from school for the next month. As the ringleader, you are also grounded for a month.
Rodrick: Mom, I'm sorry. And I won't do it again.
Greg’s mother: I know you won't. And to make sure... We are also not allowing you to perform on the talent show.
Rodrick: What? No. You can’t do that. Ground me for a year, I don't care. But... you have to let me play in that show. This gonna be my big break.
Greg’s mother: I'm sorry.
Rodrick: Dad, come on. This is not fair. I just got Bill in the band.
Greg’s father: Actually, Rodrick, that doesn't help you in this case. Bill is kind of a jerk.
Greg’s mother: Our decision is final.
Rodrick: You're so dead.
Greg: Things had never been worse. Our parents are super mad at us, so we have to spend the weekend at our grandfather’s boring retirement community. Holly thinks I'm Fregley. And my relationship with Rodrick is at all-time worse. So he is making it his mission to ruin my life. Quit it.
Rodrick: Why don’t you tell mom? You are good at that.
Greg: Grandpa doesn't like TV. Instead, he prefers to watch the lobby on the security channel.
Rodrick: I should be rehearsing right now.
Greg: Please, grandpa, please, can we watch a real TV show now?
Greg’s grandfather: TV is just a bunch of fakers. This is real life. Real life, can't be beated. How about we go down to the gamesroom? You boys like games, don't you?
Greg: The gamesroom sounds fun until you realize that all the games in there are from, like 1800. My grandpa's favorite is a really old board game called "Gutbusters".
Greg’s grandfather: Now, remember: The objective of the game is to read the joke out, and all the other players have to try not to laugh. Good luck. There are some real tickles in there. You go first.
Greg: Putting economic policy before fiscal responsiblity is like... putting the cart before the horse.
Rodrick: That is hilarious, Grandpa. Read another one, Greg.
Greg: I'm gonna go change my shirt.
Greg: Oh. Hi, Holly. What are you doing here?
Holly: I'm visiting my grandma. She just moved here.
Greg: I'm on my grandpa duty.
Holly: Listen Greg, I'm really sorry for calling you Fregley the other day. I don’t know how it happened. I think it's the Greg and Frege part. My mind just flipped and...
Greg: Did you call me Fregley? I had no idea.
Greg: Not really, I heard it. It was pretty rough. But don't worry, I have the rest of middle school year to get over it.
Holly: What happened to your shirt?
Greg: Oh...my brother spit milk on it.
Holly: Let me guess: he was pretending to laugh at something that wasn't actually funny.
Greg: How would you know?
Holly: It's the old sibling humbug. Last week, my older sister put hair remover in my shampoo. If I hadn't smelled something, I become complete bald right now.
Greg: Why would she do that?
Holly: D'oh! Because she is my sister. It's part of the deal. We fight and then get over it.
Greg: Not with my brother. He hates me. And he will never give up.
Holly: Of course he will. He has to. He's your brother. I also have a little sister who is spoiled rotten.
Greg: Tell me about it. My little brother ruins all my stuff and I'm the one who ended in trouble with.
Holly: Doesn’t that drive you nuts? I gotta go. It was cool hanging out with you. I will look for you tomorrow. Greg. See you later. Fregley.
Greg: I thought being with grandpa is a punishment. But really, it was destiny that Holly was here, too. My luck had finally changed.